Looking to "murder your life" here's a handy guide!
How to Murder Your Life, by Cat Marnell
It's even harder to admit that you identify with some of the things that she's talking about.
This book took me awhile to read and then took me awhile to decide how I feel about it. And I think I've decided. But I may change my mind tomorrow. So check back with me then.
I've officially decided that I really liked it. Four stars! I probably would have given it five stars if I like her writing style more.
I had a hard time deciding if I liked this book or not. This is a polarizing book because Cat Marnell is a polarizing person. She has gained financial and career success for all the wrong reasons. She's been rewarded for destroying her life with drugs and alcohol and when she was literally at her lowest place both emotionally and behaviorally, she got kind of famous and got a book deal.
So if I like her book am I endorsing her behavior? Am I encouraging her to do more drugs? I don't think so. It seems like she has plenty of motivation to do drugs on her own.
And am I rewarding her bad behavior? Totally. And so are all the people that can't stop hating this book. They are giving her attention and writing about her and buying her book too. So does it even matter anymore? Well there's where I'm not so sure.
So let's start with the writing style. As Cat would say, "UGHHHHH!" "Boooo!" "!!!!"
There were so many exclamation points. And she writes like I'm sure she speaks, like a spoiled little rich girl. And a white one at that. I can see why people take offense to that. It's hard to drum up a lot of sympathy for a story that reads a first like "my Daddy is so mean! He won't give me ALL the drugs and money I want!!!! Only SOME of the drugs and money I want!"
I live in the DC area and I know where her childhood home was. Her parents were loaded. And it sounds like she was very spoiled. Money-wise at least.
At first her style drove me crazy. I was very into her story, but I couldn't stand to read it. Then about halfway through, I just got used to it. And then it started to sound normal for her. Eventually it felt like an affect. She's clearly a good actress and by the end of the book, I actually wondered if she was exaggerating her personality a bit for effect.
I'm probably thinking about it too much. But this book made me think a lot more than I expected.
She also writes like someone with poorly managed ADHD. That seems patently obvious, just from reading the actual words in the book, she talks about having ADHD constantly. But her storytelling felt very ADHD to me. And it didn't bother me. Probably because I have ADHD. Mine is definitely way more under control than hers (I have tried things like changing my behavior and habits IN ADDITION to drugs) but I understand the way her brain works. Mine works the same way. Were there even chapters? I think so, but who cares?
Once I got used to the style, I was in for the ride. I wanted to hear everything.
I also found myself needing to take a lot of breaks from this book. Even after I got used to the style. Not because the book was annoying or I was pissed off with her spoiled and entitled lifestyle or her manipulation of her family. I had to take breaks because this book made me very sad.
The key thing that a lot of people that hate this book seem to be missing is how sad and empty her life is. Sure she had a great job and went to cool parties and got to meet celebrities and got tons of free designer products and clothes. On the surface it looks pretty glamorous. And now she's an internet famous party girl with a New York Times best seller and she can kind of do whatever she wants with the rest of her life!
I suppose you could get that impression if you skim the book. Or you have absolutely no understanding or personal experience with addiction.
Cat Marnell is an addict. This is an addict's memoir. And if you pick it up expecting anything else, you're going to be disappointed. If that's what you're looking for, it's an incredibly unfiltered peek inside the life of a hardcore drug addict that may be able to pass for just a spoiled little rich girl to a lot of people.
Every story that Cat tells is tinged with anxiety, sadness and a haunting cloud of loneliness. Yes she went to a fabulous private Cirque de Soliel party and probably looked fabulous up until she fell on her face because she was too drunk to stand up and had to be escorted out by security.
She doesn't always say that she's ashamed of her past actions or ask for forgiveness. And she doesn't even get sober in the end! How DARE she?
I can see why this pisses people off. Addicts are selfish. And addicts lie. A lot. All the time.
And addicts don't say they're sorry or ask for forgiveness very often. Which makes them seem like assholes. And sometimes they are just assholes. Other times they're ashamed or don't remember everything they did and if no one says anything, it seems like they got away with it. I think Cat has a little bit of all of that going on.
I know all of this because I've had my own struggles with addiction. I won't get into my own issues, because this isn't about me, but I feel like I get her. And that's what makes me really sad for her. Most people don't aspire to be bad people. They don't want to destroy all their relationships and quit their dream job and fall into a hole of depression and addiction. And yet they keep doing it. Over and over again.
Addiction is a cycle. Cat is proof of that. She talks about how she would fall apart but couldn't fall back together because she new was together. And I get that. But you can see that she seems to get a little better, then much worse. Then things get a little better, then way worse. She ends the book on a high note. Yes she's still abusing amphetamines BUT she's exercising and on a regular schedule and she stopped using all her other favorite drugs! And she's not binging and purging because she has no appetite from the speed! Things are great! !!!!!
I'm sure that's how she wants her story to end. And I'm sure her publisher was happy with that ending. Especially because it sounds like an absolute miracle that she even managed to write this whole book.
Anyone who knows the cycle of addition can guess where this is probably heading. How long has it been since the book was submitted? A year? Chances are she's added some drugs back in. And some other very unhealthy behaviors. I don't say this to be pessimistic. I say this because it's pretty textbook.
Most addict, regardless of what they're addicted to, try to "manage" their addiction at some point. If they're an alcoholic, they swear off brown liquor. Or wine. Or "no more drinking alone." Or "no more drinking on weeknights." The addict realizes they're sick and stuck in the cycle but they don't want to admit the depth of their problem.
For Cat, all the other drugs were the problem. She's needs Adderall or Vyvanse to function. The only life she knew before she started using these drugs was even worse than what she's experiencing now. And while she may legitimately have ADHD and may have a true medical need for treatment with a stimulant, she has never (and probably will never) not abused stimulants. She doesn't know how to take them responsibly.
Also, have I mentioned that she's an addict? And her drug of choice is speed? Unless you give up your favorite addiction, you're still an addict. You can control your behavior for a certain amount of time, but eventually most people go back to their low point. Or even lower.
Addiction is a very tricky thing to treat. And Cat isn't just addicted to stimulants. She's also addicted to food. And abusive relationships. And probably lots of other things.
Cat has made a lot of selfish decisions. She's definitely manipulated her family to feed her addiction, quite literally with her father. But I don't think that automatically makes her a bad person. I think she's a very broken person. And I think it's pretty clear that she doesn't know how to put herself back together. Because she doesn't feel like she ever was put all together correctly, so she doesn't know how.
I don't condone her drug use. I don't understand all of her actions. But I don't think the point of a memoir is to decide if a person is good or bad and if they are worthy of attention.
Her writing style is annoying and definitely unconventional, but it's also incredibly personal and intimate. She doesn't hold much back here. She's brutally honest and she's a very complicated and messed up person. The book is engaging. It takes you on a journey. And it's a textbook look at addiction.
I hope that most people that read "How to Murder Your Life" learn a little bit about addiction and how complicated it is. And I would hope some of them would find it in their hearts to feel something for her. I don't think anyone murders their own life just for attention, but what do I know? Clearly not much because my life seems to be alive and kicking and I have exactly zero book deals.
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